Inside the mind of an elite athlete suffering with an eating disorder and training obsession.

Sharing my story in an open and transparent way comes with its own challenges.

I have learned not to feel embarrassed or ashamed of the way I treated my body and blocked so many aspects of my life away from me. I am hoping that being open about my experience, my thoughts, feelings, and emotions can help at least one individual find their own hope and support.

Young Rosa

The young Rosa was strong, determined, outgoing, full of energy, creative, loved people but also loved being in her own company. I was an all rounder when it came to sport and was open to giving anything a go. I loved cricket, hockey, cross country, tennis, swimming, touch rugby, athletics and dance.

In year 9 I started to get into running. What drew me to be involved in a running squad was definitely the social aspect, not the competitive aspect. I was there to have fun and meet new people.

‘The race favourite’

Over the space of a couple of years I was going from 10th in Canterbury to 1st in Canterbury and then 1st nationally. This then led to breaking multiple Canterbury and NZ records. All this was achieved through pure enjoyment and my love for the sport. Unfortunately, this soon changed when my mindset around running switched, all of a sudden I became ‘the race favourite’ and ‘the one to look out for’ which led me to put all of this expectation and pressure on myself which quickly began to take the joy away from me.

In 2012 things suddenly stepped up a notch. I began to specialise in middle distance, specifically 3000m Steeplechase along with the occasional 5000m and 1500m. I became a sponsored Nike athlete. Through the consistent success of my performances both nationally and internationally, I became a High Performance New Zealand (HPNZ) Carded athlete. Being a carded athlete meant I received funding from Athletics NZ to travel the country and world. You were encouraged to study a passion you have, to balance out your sport focused lifestyle. Having an obsession with exercise coupled with an obsession with food, naturally led me to study Nutrition, part time, once I left school in 2013.

Some of my key results 2012 – 2015

2012 – World Youth Cross Country Champs, Malta (4th)
2014 – World Junior Championships, Portland (7th) 3000m Steeplechase
2015 – World University Games, Japan (5th) 3000m Steeplechase
2015 – World Championships, Beijing
Since 2013 – Set 15 NZ Records
Since 2010 – 11 NZ Championship Medals (9 Gold/ 1 Silver/ 1 Bronze)

Young & underdeveloped female

Despite the huge achievements, which all look shiny on the outside to the public. I was a young undeveloped female that was slowly breaking down mentally and physically. Looking back my body withstood a lot for a long period of time and soon enough in 2015 things started to well and truly catch up on me.

My weight dropped to as low as 41kg and it had been suggested by my endocrinologist that I needed to stop running altogether to get my health back on track. I presented amenorrhea (absent periods) which led to a diagnosis of Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport (RED-S). Where there is an energy mismatch between what you are putting in through diet versus what you are putting out through exercise – known as low energy availability. This leads to a range of health and performance consequences:

Depression
Increased injury risk
Irritability
Hormonal dysfunction, delaying puberty further affecting fertility
Bone health

Unhealthy obsession

On average I would exercise for at least 1-2 hours a day apart from Fridays which were my days off. I was suffering from labral tears in my hips and a stress fracture of the tibia/ fib. I had lower than average bone density for someone of my age with a body fat of 5.1%. To give you a comparison, a female’s body fat should be sitting around 18-20% or higher to ensure normal hormonal activity in the body.

Inside my body was crying out for help but I acted oblivious to the dire situation I was in and simply didn’t want to accept and face my struggles. Reaching out for help I thought was a sign of weakness. I just needed to push myself more which would result in me being more mentally tough.

Now looking back on my training diaries starting right back when I was 15 years old clearly shows my unhealthy obsession. Writing what I ate at the exact times in and around training, every journal was so thorough from what time and where I trained, my splits, how I felt, HR, what stretches I did, what drills I did. I was totally and utterly consumed.

Identity

From 2018 – 2021 my main focus was recovery and creating tools for myself to get me back on track.

My studies ended up allowing me to understand the importance of fuelling the body with enough of the ‘good’ foods. I ended up successfully passing my degree in 2019 and going on to be a registered nutritionist, which I now use and apply in my current job at Two Raw Sisters.

I have been very fortunate that I have had Two Raw Sisters to focus on in the transition from being an elite athlete to a business owner. Despite this though it was another obstacle I had to overcome. I felt completely lost without my running identity. Skills I had when I was an athlete are now driving my personal and business life in a healthier more sustainable way. Even though I didn’t end up achieving everything I had set out to achieve in my athletics, I have learnt and accepted that I never took backwards steps. I was always going forwards, even with adversity you learn that the skills you have learnt aren’t wasted. They have helped me to be a new person and launch a success with my sister.

Reflection & hope

Looking back I wish I had someone to talk to or listen to, someone who I felt knew how I was feeling and could influence me into realising I’m not on my own and there is hope for me to see the light and appreciate me as my unique self. I don’t have to keep proving things to myself and others.

My hope is that my story can help influence someone into realising life isn’t about being critical of what you look like, how much you weigh, how fast you can run… there is so much more out there that can make you happy. My voice might be that one who might make someone flick a switch to make a change to how they are treating their body both physically and mentally.

I am proud to say I have got myself to the point where my aim is to eat good food and move my body to feel great, not to punish or change my body in any way, shape or form.